Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
