Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
