you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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