God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't deserve a penis
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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