she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
