If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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