pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
