I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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