Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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