god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
