I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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