the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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