For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
