Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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