im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
