Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
