im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
