my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
