I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
