I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
