Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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