you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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