Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
