Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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