no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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