1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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