I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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