My first STD was from a foam party
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have aggressive nipples.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
