I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
