so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
