I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
NoShamevember. You game?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
