He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
