I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A+ Viking dick
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
