is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
