This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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