Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
