I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
