turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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