my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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