I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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