Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sarcasm needs its own font
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I did not marry a roomba.
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