idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
