i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
