I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
