I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
