I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
