I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
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