Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
