Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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