Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
