Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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