She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
