Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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