Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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