I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize