I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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