I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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