you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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