Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
two words: eviction party
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize