We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
