Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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