he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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