u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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