On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think people are normalizing furries
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
